My "friend"

For a small amount of time I thought I had some one to talk to.  It was fun while it lasted. Having some one to chat to about all of the insane crap in my head who got it all. However, just like the rest of the retarded flaky people in this state he had no conviction. 

So here I am back to drinking my sadness away.  I doubt my depression will go away while I continue to be in this fucking shit hole.  Fuck I hate this place.  I swear one more bout with an idiot of any caliber will drive me to the point of complete insanity. 

Another day

It is just another day.

I was not even sure what day it was until something told me.

I went to work. Talked to a few people but really only about work.

I went to the bar.  Not talking to anyway one here

I am not interesting enough to talk to and I am not main stream enough to join the social interactions around me.

We looked at yet another house.  Just a nice reminder of my pending doom.

How did I get back here?  Oh for the love of god. 
I love her so much.. but why oh why can't I just be allowed to be happy with out violating my own personal rules?

Back to a life once again full of lies all designed to make someone else happy.

An I that desperate to not be alone?  I can't even express my feeling without making the person I care about cry.

Instead I continue to live in a life in which I am fundamentally unhappy.   I don't even have a way out unlike when I was with Becky.  Oh savanna I never forgot you. I looked for you.  The one point of how for me in that three years of hell before the golden times. 

Wow.. April just came to mind.  I so fucked that up.  Though it was never to be.  I see that now.  People like me don't get to end up with women like that.

My future looks bleak to me. 

Not as bleak as it used to be.. but not where it is supposed to be.

Fuck

Another night of ...

As I sit here yet again drinking away all that is contained in my head I can't help but wonder what the rest of the world's population is doing. 

Yesterday was Valentines day. As I was going to get my wife a token of my love I found my self commenting to my  self in the car about how many people are probably going to have nights of passion. The idea behind it wasn't do to the actual fact of having passion but more to the affect of having something in your life that would break the monotony of my every day to day.  If there was some possible passion that would happen from my megar effort chances are it would end with me being once again dissatisfied with the experience.

What else can I say?  I suppose I could say this event has caused me to worry about my own behaviour.  Funny thing about that is that I am fully aware of my behaviour and that I desperately want to change said behavior but as of yet and not sure how to accomplish such a feat.

If I honestly believed that it was completely possible to quantify people on such a level as to know with any serious accuracy of what people would do and I had access to such information that there is a slight chance that my life would be different.  Alas it is not that way.

Whatever, I found my self Bord with the topic and wish to move to another of which I have no idea.  I, my self even, has gotten to the point of hearing my self rant on issues irrelevant

Life contiues

As each day contiues to role more and more into the next. As the highlight of my days excedienly are more and more consumed with consumption of booze and what ever pharamacuticals I can get into my system. I have notice that there is more and more of the single minded depression that I have fought with all my life.  In my opinion however, and this might be deflection, my depression is not all of my making. I can't help wonder if it is all me, once again, but I feel for the first time ever I am hard pressed to say it is all my own doing.

For what I can only believe is the first time ever I am not at total fault. How... oh for the love of god .. how can I be in love with a woman who is so self cenetered as to not even consider my true feelings?  It isn't like I made them a secret. I told her what my feelings where right off the bat.

My personality time continues to be abused on all aspects by humanity.  I should know better by now that if I want what I need I must be the dominant one.  Alas my fictional readers I have fallen into the trap of love.

That retarded mythical belief that if you love some on so much that maybe, just maybe, they might actually bend them selves for you.  Not to say that I have not probably had that before, oh yes I am sure I did. I was so self centered at the time I didn't even realize nor appreciate what I had at the time and like the rest of the non-awake I threw it away.  That, however, is neither here nor there, I am now again on the receiving end of it.  I am the person who wishes only for belief in a real possibility that if I continue to give all of who I am I will win in the end.  I can only explain my self as a hopeless romantic however, as I know the real truth deep down inside.

This place is eating at me. The east coast, and specifically the south, is place that will, if you are not as hard and full of tryrant beliefs as this place, will eat you up and spit you out. Oh they try to pretend they have joined the rest of america but it is so obvious under the right conditions, and skin color, exactly how far this place has not progressed.

In this state gay men hide behind websites for fear of pursicution and they are the lucky ones.  Women are still taught, and raised, to be sub humans of men which are unable to publicaly declare not only their needs but their sexual desires. In a states where even some of the brightest, only because of their social allegiances, are terrified of being the best can you find a sub culture that will probably forever be fighting the war to keep slavery, only now is it financial slavery and social slavery.

I digress though. My problems only partially stem from where I live. The rest stem from, as I said before, believing in a loved one who will do the right thing.

I am about to pubilcly sign up for a large commitment in which I think is such a bad idea I am starting to have bad dreams about it.  Do I continue to believe that love will win all or do I give up at minimum 1/10th of my life to attempt to prove it?

Five to seven more years here. This place has already eaten to much of me when I want to do nothing less than break my ties, regardless of the ramafactions, and leave. Hopefully to more promising lands.

Feminism

Lets see if you can solve a simple puzzle.

Women is to Feminism as men is to?

What is a word that describes men fighting for their rights just as much as women do?

Puzzled? That is because the only word that even comes close to it is Masculism.

Funny thing is that Feminism is an actual word recorded by Webster. The other is just a slang word to make up for the whole in the vocabulary.

While I do understand that there is still sexism in the world I feel that in today's age that feminism is getting to the point of being sexist in its own right.

Lets try to put this into perspective.

Here is a sexual privilege checklist, lets see how many apply:

Sexual Privilege Checklist

1. Do you experience other people paying for your dates, or occasionally even picking up the tab in non-romantic settings? Or paying for your vacations when the relationship moves along?

2. Do you occasionally experience subservience and deference being volunteered to you by the opposite sex (opening doors, giving up a seat in the bus, standing up when you come in the room)?

3. Are you able to pursue what you are interested in at university without much societal pressure on “breadwinning” – although you could also take that route if it so interests you?

4.a Have you never been required to register for selective service? Would you never be ripped out of your life and forced to defend your country in time of attack or national emergency? Can you demand strength and full participation in society, but then get out of this obligation by pretending to be weak with no influence over society (but only when it suits you)?

4.b. Can you come up with any and every excuse to get out of the draft without being laughed at (“No one should be drafted” – when you would be the first to cower in the corner and demand that someone do something if, say, China & Russia combined and attacked full force – and “Men start wars …” when women are the majority of voters and the expression should be “Men are SENT to wars …” – exactly what you’re trying to get out of – and sometimes sent by M. Thatcher, G. Meir, I. Gandhi and other such women)?

5.a Will you statistically get a much lighter sentence for exactly the same offense if you commit a crime?

5.b Do you have special legal excuses for your sex alone which often allow you to get off the hook for the crimes you commit? Are judges usually more lenient, protective and paternalistic when it comes to dealing with your sex?

5.c Are you 25 times more likely to have your death sentence canceled?

6. Are you able to take on a job or choose a career route that is only capable of supporting yourself, with no thought to preparing yourself to also support a spouse/children, although you are also free to choose a more difficult career that will bring you more money? Do you not have much pressure on you with regard to this?

7. If you are in a committed relationship, do you have much greater flexibility to choose whether you want to work or simply stay at home (even without kids)?

8. Will you not be called an unemployed loser if you decide to be a homemaker?

9. If you have a flat tire on the road, if someone is harassing you in a public place, if an animal attacks you, or if you are lost, will someone be much, much more likely to step-in and assist you?

10.a Are people generally much nicer to you in public? Are you sometimes given privileged treatment or better customer service?

10.b Do you get first dibs on a lifeboat when your ship begins to sink?

11. Are you much more capable of “marrying up” and enjoying the money and status that comes with this?

12.a Are you statistically much more likely to be given money in a divorce – sometimes huge amounts – even if your behavior caused the divorce (e.g. affair) and even if you didn’t work for the money?

12.b Is custody of your kids almost automatic after divorce regardless of your parenting abilities? On top of this, do you have the ability to make false accusations of rape or child abuse in order to help you gain custody? Is it possible for you to deprive your child of his or her other parent in violation of court orders without serious consequences?

13.a If you hit or slap a person – or even knock someone’s tooth out throwing your Aunt Selma’s Christmas mug at that person – is it much more likely to just be viewed as cute, understandable or not a problem? Are there nearly zero consequences for your violence?

13.b If you are ever physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by in any way, are there dozens upon dozens of organizations that are specifically in place to fight for you and house you when necessary? Do you have the ability to have someone taken-away by police if you make a false or exaggerated accusation of abuse?

14.a Do you statistically live much longer – possibly due to less stress on you with regard to breadwinning, providing protection, being responsible, not having society viewing you as “expendable” or not having society viewing your problems as being unimportant? Can you blame the earlier deaths of the other sex on their stupid behavior or bad genes?

14.b Are you about 20 times less likely to die or get injured in your workplace?

15. Do you have much more money spent on your health concerns in reality (e.g. 5 times as much on breast cancer as on prostate cancer – although they have roughly the same death rates) while you simultaneously claim that more care has to be taken for your needs?

16. Are you much less likely to be homeless? Is more offered to you by society when you are in this position?

17. Is there far less scorn and pressure on you by society when you are an irresponsible doofball? Are your default rates for payment of child support roughly twice those of the other gender, while you simultaneously complain about the other gender not paying?

18.a Has whining about and hating the other gender actually been made into a course of studies in college- as opposed to the true, neutral, unbiased study of this topic – which is simply anthropology?

18.b Can you tell everyone that your sex is the superior sex without you being called sexist?

18.c Can you ignore the fact that your sex’s traditional gender-roles would not place you into situations where you’d be likely to be forced to do immoral things and then use the results of this as evidence that your sex is morally superior?

19. Do you have full opportunity to pursue you want in life – become a doctor, a lawyer, start a business – while simultaneously using the fact that many of your gender don’t CHOOSE themselves to do these things as an argument to try to gain even more advantages? Do you get affirmative action because many of your gender don’t choose to do these things, and thusly the numbers don’t “come out right”?

20.a Can you manipulate the other gender with sex in some cases to get what you want? Can you pretend like you don’t even know what anyone is talking about when confronted on this?

20.b Can you use your sex appeal to get-ahead on the job? Can you knowingly dress provocatively but act shocked if someone treats you provocatively?

20.c Do you also have the ability to accuse people of sexual harrassment for any reason, factual or not? Do you make up the definition of ‘sexual harrassment’, and can this definition change depending on the person and whether you like them or not?

21. If you take a job that is traditionally taken by those of the opposite sex, will you be thought of as a brave pioneer by many? Will no one call your sexual orientation into question?

22.a Can you complain that the clothes, shoes hair, grooming items etc. for your sex are more expensive than those of the opposite sex without ever noticing that the varieties, styles and complexity of those products are often greater than those of the opposite sex? Do you have far more retail space devoted to your shopping desires than does the opposite sex?

22.b Can you wear the clothes traditionally associated with the opposite sex without running the risk of getting beat-up or ostracized?

23. Can you manipulate using old notions of men protecting and deferring to women when it comes in handy?

24. Can you effectively manipulate by playing the victim? Do tears help you in getting your way instead of getting you called a wimp?

25. As a child, were you told that you are beautiful, cute and sweet? Could you wear any color you wanted without fear of insult?

26. Can you get sympathy if you don’t work and don’t have children by listing all the household work (hmm … Oprah really does get high ratings, though) while simultaneously being able to bear the cognitive dissonance of calling your sister’s husband who stays home a worthless bum whom she ought to leave?

27. Can you claim that your sex’s work “never ends” while your sex also, on average, watches more television in every time-slot than members of the opposite sex?

28. Can you “mix and match” traditional and progressive roles – finding just the right mix to get what you want? Can you be a “traditional wife” – enjoying the positive features of that (like not having to go-out and work a job in a factory) – while simultaneously being a progressive feminist when THAT gets you advantages? Or having a career while simultaneously using traditional chivalry and male deference to your advantage?

29. Can you constantly say “that’s just typical” and “it doesn’t surprise me a bit” and make lemon faces if you are a parent-in-law? Is near-universal contempt by both genders for your behavior hidden to a much greater extent?

30. Can almost any remark by your partner be construed as verbal abuse if you want sympathy, but the meanest, nastiest, most humiliating things that you can say simply involve “speaking your mind” and “some people just don’t want to hear the truth”?

31. Can you use the fact that gender roles were differentiated long ago – with different advantages/disadvantages for both genders – to try to induce guilt today in people who had absolutely no connection with any of that? Can you say that you have been discriminated against for thousands of years with a straight face when you’re only 20 years old? Can you even make things up about history and no one will really check or dare call you on it?

32. Can you propagate myths and outright lies (“Superbowl/domestic violence hoax”, “rule of thumb”, inflated rape statistics, intentional misconstrual of pay figures and many more) and be given a “pass” – without more rigor being demanded?

33. Can you rationalize your own failures using the concept of the “patriarchy”, and blame the other gender for nearly everything that goes wrong in your life – even with quite contorted explanations that no one would otherwise buy – while failures of the other gender are just … failures?

34. Do you want to be treated like a child when it suits you but as an adult when you get advantages from that? Do you “look the other way” when someone doesn’t require responsibility from you that they certainly would from the other gender?

35. As an infant, would amputating a piece of your genitals be a crime? Would not cutting your genitals be considered a basic human right to which you are entitled?

36. Can you focus heavily on perceived earnings in the workforce – the statistics of which are influenced by people’s choices in reality – while utterly ignoring the inter-family transfer of wealth? Can you completely ignore the fact that one gender picks tougher jobs (garbage collector), works more hours and takes on more responsibility because of more pressure to earn – but the other gender has the same lifestyle and statistically more assets (and not just because of inheritance/earlier age of male at death….). Can you deliberately claim that earnings figures are based on equal pay for equal work? (when you probably full well know that they simply involve all people working more than 35 hours – and don’t take type of job, hours worked over 35/week, danger, responsibility, years in the work force etc. into consideration at all)?

37. Is what used to simply be an irritation for grown-ups many years ago – the self-centered rantings and foot-stompings of spoiled high-school and college brats – now not only embraced by your most progressive movement but almost the cornerstone of it?

38. Can you get irritated about generalizations and stereotypes —- and utterly fail to see the hypocrisy in stereotyping and generalizing about one gender while simultaneously making a career (literally in some cases) whining about your own gender being stereotyped?

39. Can you get irritated about old-fashioned restrictive attitudes towards your sexual behavior while insulting men who engage in the same kind of sexual behavior that you would do in an eyeblink if you could?

40.a Do you reserve the right to blame any cruel, rude, or unrestrainedly angry thing that you do on my “time of month”? Is this true regardless of what time of month it actually is?

40.b Do you reserve the right to get angry and indignant if somebody suggests this to you regardless of how often you say it about yourself?

41. Do you reserve the right to call anyone “sexist” for any reason, based upon your own definition of the term? Is your sexist behavior never noticed?

42. Do you have the privilege of making long lists criticizing the privileges of the opposite sex while everyone pretends to not notice that you have a long list of none-too insignificant privileges of your own?

43. Do you have the privilege of blaming your privileges on the opposite sex?

44. Do you have the privilege of dishonestly insisting that you don’t have any privileges?

Fire in a soul

One time I found my self on top of a hill facing the shore of the Atlantic Ocean. I found myself there before the sun was to rise. I found myself on top of that hill by a mixture of situations that I will not get into here. I will tell you, however, that the reasons I ended up on top of that hill on an early morning will be forever in my mind as one of the worst days of my life.

Sitting on a rock on top of a hill on the shore of the Atlantic Ocean with a bottle of Jack Danels in one hand and cigarette in the other I watched the sun rise over the horizon. As I sat there, my shirt covered in beer and my tears, in complete silence except for the waves hitting the shore I watched in amazement as the sky became an electric color show. As I watched I tried to remember what other sunrises I had seen to try to compare them to see if maybe I am just being dramatic at the beauty I was beholding. I couldn't remember seeing a sunrise at all.

It was the first time I had gotten goosebumps from something other than being cold. I felt exhilarated. I felt alive. I felt moved.

I went to that hill a broken beaten person ready to stop the intake of the insane brutality that was my world. I walked away from that hill a different man. I walked away as a man who will always know that no matter how bad life can get there is always beauty and possibly hope.

Trust

Trust from people is a very hard thing to receive from people. Honesty is also another thing that is hard thing to receive from people. I think that these should often go hand in hand. I think lying and not being honest with people go hand in hand as much as trust and honesty does. The world now a days says not to trust anything. How many times have you heard a person say, "I don't trust anyone." compared to them saying, "Oh yea, I trust everyone." I have a big problem with trusting people because of past events. I am not saying I don't lie. I do lie, everybody does, but I usually lie about small stuff. Like I once told this person I know that I did something mean to someone on purpose to make them like me. Well I didn't, it was a complete accident, but I told him what I told him because at the time it made me look better and I respected the person to want to make that person respect me more. Dumb move on my part. What I am saying is that honesty and trust don't always go together as much as we would like them to. I guess you can't always be honest with someone you know because you are afraid to hurt them. Maybe you can't be honest sometimes because you can't trust the person you want to be honest with. I don't know what the solution is to the trust and honesty problem. Myself though I would like the truth always. I found that the truth is always the best way to go.