Another night of ...

As I sit here yet again drinking away all that is contained in my head I can't help but wonder what the rest of the world's population is doing. 

Yesterday was Valentines day. As I was going to get my wife a token of my love I found my self commenting to my  self in the car about how many people are probably going to have nights of passion. The idea behind it wasn't do to the actual fact of having passion but more to the affect of having something in your life that would break the monotony of my every day to day.  If there was some possible passion that would happen from my megar effort chances are it would end with me being once again dissatisfied with the experience.

What else can I say?  I suppose I could say this event has caused me to worry about my own behaviour.  Funny thing about that is that I am fully aware of my behaviour and that I desperately want to change said behavior but as of yet and not sure how to accomplish such a feat.

If I honestly believed that it was completely possible to quantify people on such a level as to know with any serious accuracy of what people would do and I had access to such information that there is a slight chance that my life would be different.  Alas it is not that way.

Whatever, I found my self Bord with the topic and wish to move to another of which I have no idea.  I, my self even, has gotten to the point of hearing my self rant on issues irrelevant

Life contiues

As each day contiues to role more and more into the next. As the highlight of my days excedienly are more and more consumed with consumption of booze and what ever pharamacuticals I can get into my system. I have notice that there is more and more of the single minded depression that I have fought with all my life.  In my opinion however, and this might be deflection, my depression is not all of my making. I can't help wonder if it is all me, once again, but I feel for the first time ever I am hard pressed to say it is all my own doing.

For what I can only believe is the first time ever I am not at total fault. How... oh for the love of god .. how can I be in love with a woman who is so self cenetered as to not even consider my true feelings?  It isn't like I made them a secret. I told her what my feelings where right off the bat.

My personality time continues to be abused on all aspects by humanity.  I should know better by now that if I want what I need I must be the dominant one.  Alas my fictional readers I have fallen into the trap of love.

That retarded mythical belief that if you love some on so much that maybe, just maybe, they might actually bend them selves for you.  Not to say that I have not probably had that before, oh yes I am sure I did. I was so self centered at the time I didn't even realize nor appreciate what I had at the time and like the rest of the non-awake I threw it away.  That, however, is neither here nor there, I am now again on the receiving end of it.  I am the person who wishes only for belief in a real possibility that if I continue to give all of who I am I will win in the end.  I can only explain my self as a hopeless romantic however, as I know the real truth deep down inside.

This place is eating at me. The east coast, and specifically the south, is place that will, if you are not as hard and full of tryrant beliefs as this place, will eat you up and spit you out. Oh they try to pretend they have joined the rest of america but it is so obvious under the right conditions, and skin color, exactly how far this place has not progressed.

In this state gay men hide behind websites for fear of pursicution and they are the lucky ones.  Women are still taught, and raised, to be sub humans of men which are unable to publicaly declare not only their needs but their sexual desires. In a states where even some of the brightest, only because of their social allegiances, are terrified of being the best can you find a sub culture that will probably forever be fighting the war to keep slavery, only now is it financial slavery and social slavery.

I digress though. My problems only partially stem from where I live. The rest stem from, as I said before, believing in a loved one who will do the right thing.

I am about to pubilcly sign up for a large commitment in which I think is such a bad idea I am starting to have bad dreams about it.  Do I continue to believe that love will win all or do I give up at minimum 1/10th of my life to attempt to prove it?

Five to seven more years here. This place has already eaten to much of me when I want to do nothing less than break my ties, regardless of the ramafactions, and leave. Hopefully to more promising lands.